Is This Marriage On?

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Have you ever treated your marriage like a microphone that just isn’t carrying your voice. You aren’t sure if you are being heard, if your words are coming across clearly so you just keep tapping the microphone, tapping it until you hear that loud vibrating bomp it gives off when it’s working. Occasionally I feel like I’m just waiting to hear that bomp in my marriage. Just a sign that my husband sees me, a sign that we aren’t really roommates who’ve decided to have kids together for the increased tax return. I don’t think I’m alone in these thoughts. It’s not like they are all the time but all marriages do go through slumps. If someone tries to argue with me on this please look at divorce statistics first and if you can convince me that a divorce isn’t the worst kind of slump in a marriage than I might just have to give you a gold star. Yeah, you thought about it, I’m not giving out any gold stars today am I? Same with those marriages that last 50-60 years. You can’t be under the same roof with somebody that long without a few terrifying slumps!

Mr. Lane and I have had our share of slumps, sometimes it’s just getting into the routine of turning on the television right after the kids are down and not really interacting the rest of the night. Sometimes it’s not really seeing each other, not taking the time to show our love to one another. I’ve heard people say,

“Well, you shouldn’t have to see proof to know that your spouse loves you.”

Okay, I get what you’re saying, if you are really in love then they should just know how you feel and that be that. But then come those dreaded slumps, the microphone moments when you just don’t know if that marriage, that love is working anymore. Those slumps can easily turn into slopes if we let them. Mr. Lane and I have fallen into the snare of a downward slump/slope and it took one of us noticing, one of us saying, WOAH… wait a minute here this thing, this once wonderful and loving marriage is slowly dying. Thank the Lord that one of us has always shown the other love, put the other back on top of their list of priorities and trudged up out of that slump. It takes work, it takes determination and a little humbling of oneself to do it but it can be done.

John 13:34 says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”

So how has God loved us? How does God love us? Well, he shows me everyday by the blessings he has given me, my children, my marriage (slump or no slump), his forgiveness and grace that constantly overwhelms me because I know I don’t deserve it. When I feel like this marriage isn’t working, when it feels like there isn’t enough love to carry it, that’s when I think of all the ways God loves. Showing I love my husband can be as small as bringing home Mike and Ikes because that’s his favorite candy or as big as a scavenger hunt around the house, which I’ve done by the way and I think I had more fun with it than he did but it’s the thought that counts. I’m sure you can go bigger than that but remember I’m a stay at home mom;).

So when you are wishing your spouse would give a little and show some love first and then you can return it, remember there is no prize for the quietest mouse game. And if there is it’s not going to be much better than a little tootsie roll which doesn’t last long and hurts later. (I’m not the greatest at metaphors but after rereading that one I’ve decided to keep it because it gave me a little chuckle.)

I understand that all marriages have different struggles and hurts. Some have seen much better days and some have already seen their final days. I just write about what I’ve learned in my marriage and what has helped us get through some not so lovey dovey marriage moments and I’m sure there will be more to come but I also know that if we love like God loves than it’s easier to get through it, easier to love with your whole heart even when we don’t feel it in return. I always think about how sad it must make God to have so many not return his love but how he still loves us regardless. I sure am thankful for that.

Here’s to turning that marriage back on!

(I wrote this a couple years ago and came across while going through my past entries. I actually read it at the exact moment I needed it so thought I would repost)

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6 thoughts on “Is This Marriage On?”

  1. “… if you can convince me that a divorce isn’t the worst kind of slump in a marriage than I might just have to give you a gold star. ” – Honestly not looking for a gold star but I can argue this point. Divorce is not part of marriage at all. The fact that we have lumped it in the same category shows our lack of understanding about what it means to be married, to be devoted to another human being, to make ourselves one. Divorce is an entity to itself, not just the slump in a marriage. I’ve been married for 22 years (almost 23). I’m not sure how many of those have been “happily-ever-after” years, if any of them have been. Some have been frighteningly hard. But when you’re married, you are no longer just you … you are now part of someone else. It isn’t about being kind or working hard or being bored or having priorities or even showing love … marriage is the ultimate in compassion. Understanding another human intimately requires something beyond love because love only sees what’s good. Compassion sees everything and accepts anyway. Jesus was about compassion … he was compassion. Divorce denies compassion and puts relationships on par with buying groceries or picking a movie to see. Have compassion, don’t just love.

    1. Thank you for your insight. When I was saying that you should love like God loves, well to me that is all-encompassing, that is loving with compassion and mercy and grace. God sees all that is not good in us and loves us anyways. That type of love was what I meant when I said loving like God loves. About the subject of divorce I have never really thought about it being a separate entity entirely but that thought is pretty enlightening. Thank you for your comment!:)

  2. I believe in this as well. Marriage can be tough. I may be old-fashioned, but I also believe in fairy tales. God gave us marriage to not only learn and grow through trials, but to find the peace and love that comes through marital commitment. Your thoughts are very well established and could be used in every marriage once in a while. Thank you.

  3. It’s funny that as I get older, NOW I am learning about how the ebb and flow of relationships, especially marriages, go through the ups and downs — and that it’s so relatable! Thank you for sharing!

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